


The Trouble with Boobs

by AnonEhouse



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Always female Bruce, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-03
Packaged: 2017-11-23 19:57:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/625958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonEhouse/pseuds/AnonEhouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bree Banner's Hulk bursts out of her blouse, it's not a nice, comics code-safe She-Hulk with covered breasts appearance. Tony Stark has <i>absolutely</i> no problem with this, but other people, and Bree, do.</p><p>Tony always tries to help his friends.</p><p>Based on a prompt from AvengerKink-- the prompt is in the endnote.<br/>(second chapter strongly implies a relationship between Bree and Tony, but there is no sex.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)

"What a coincidence, I was just thinking about women with huge jugs." Tony says as he looks up from the wireframe model of the all-in-one desalinizer, chemical/biological/heavy metal purifier that he and Bree have been working to reduce in cost, so every community unable to afford commercial systems can have some place to obtain safe drinking water that doesn't involve women lugging it from miles away every day. He takes in the affronted looks the other Avengers are giving him. "On their _heads_. Wow, you people have dirty minds." He grins and moves over to the group gathered around one of Jarvis's larger monitors, pausing to affectionately tousle Bree's curly hair. "I approve. And for the record, I very much approve of the Hulk's magnificence being free to astonish the world."

Bree tilts her head back to glance at Tony. "Thanks. I think."

"No, really." Tony vaults over the couch to sit between Bree and Steve. "You have NO idea, absolutely no idea, of the fantastic shock-absorbing qualities of the Hulk's frontage. If Grant had breastworks like those..."

Steve puts on a pained look. "Unfortunately, I got that reference."

"So," Tony looks at the monitor which is currently showing the Avengers latest escapade. The Hulk is leaping with unfettered aplomb up in the air to smash something like a mutated day-glo pterodactyl that is trying to get the tender white meat out of a school bus. "They got her good side," he comments as he rummages through the assorted snack debris on the table for an unopened packet of whatever.

Bree makes a strangled noise and leans forward to rub her forehead. Tony pats her on the back. "I'm not seeing the problem here. I owe my life to those sincushions! Do you know how much kinetic energy a falling Iron Man has?"

Bree mumbles something about joules, but since she's still bent over and accepting a back massage, it's not very clear.

"Anyway, I'd have been canned puree of Stark if the Hulk didn't have such a great set of handwarmers to catch me with." 

Bree makes another mildly protesting noise.

"That's beside the point, Stark," Natasha says. "JARVIS, show the protest footage."

The monitor changes to scenes of people carrying signs at the base of Stark Tower. There are actually two groups of people separated by a roped off cordon manned by police officers on horseback and other officers on foot with dogs, and more officers with riot gear, but the camera tends to focus more on the one group. This is the group that's mainly female; all of them bare-chested, and colored various shades of green. The other group is more evenly divided between male and female, and all of them are fully dressed. The green group's signs mainly concern women's rights, but naturists and just plain hero-worshippers have their slogans as well. The other group's manifesto is more unified, mainly concerns that seeing green nipples and areolae will scar impressionable youngsters.

Tony blinks. "What? We saved the city again, and they're mad because the Hulk's twins get an airing? Eh, don't worry about it. I'll put Pepper on publicity, it'll blow over in a few days."

Clint gives Tony a dubious look. "I don't know, Stark."

"Trust me," Tony says as he finally unearths a packet of dried cherries and rips it open. "You want to talk about boobs? Those people are boobs; they'll forget about this in a week even if we don't do anything at all."

***

Two weeks later, in the aftermath of another Villain of the Week escapade, Tony finds Bree wrapped in Thor's cape and huddled on the steps of a semi-demolished library (the Hulk has a weakness for libraries. She can't read, but she protects them almost as fiercely as she does children, small animals, and Iron Man). Iron Man lands and Tony lifts the faceplate. Thor is nowhere in sight. "Hey! I was thinking we could go for pizza."

Bree doesn't answer, she just curls up tighter. Tony sits in the Iron Man suit next to her. "What's wrong? We did good, saved the day, no one was hurt-- well, the bad guys _sure_ but honestly the Hulk was really careful and they'll all live to stand trial." He nudges her gently with his elbow.

"It's easy for you. You're in control, and no one _sees_ you," Bree says with a sniffle. "I'm... exposed!"

"Like a nerve?" Tony asks.

"Like a _streaker_! My mother would be so ashamed of me!" And then Bree lets go with a real flood of tears, sobbing and messy and noisy.

"Wait! No, don't... I'll... I'll fix it!" 

"How?" Bree looks up at Tony, still sniffling.

"Well, um...Howard Hughes designed a bra for Jane Russell! I can do that for you. I mean, that's a subject close to my heart!"

Bree gives Tony a doubtful look. "Jane Russell said it was so uncomfortable she never wore it."

"DETAILS!" Tony waves his hands. "Ok, so that's not the best example. He also built an airplane out of plywood. I promise you, this brassiere will not be made of wood!"

***

"What is it made from?" Bree says doubtfully, looking at the unassuming black sports brassiere Tony holds out to her. She stretches it between her hands.

"Moonbeams and fairy dust!" Tony says airily. "No, honestly, it's a variant of nanobot tech." Bree pulls back and looks startled. Tony hurries on to say, "Totally without sentience! It has no agenda other than supporting your morale, uplifting your dignity and preserving the privacy of the Hulk's shirt-bursters. Hand-wash warm, tumble-dry low." He waggles his eyebrows. "Go on, give it a try."

***

Normally once they finish a battle the Hulk either leaps off in a fit of temper, or sits down to sulk her way back to Bree. This time she grins and goes around helpfully clearing the road of debris for the emergency vehicles before following Iron Man back to Stark Tower. Tony walks out of the suit, wearing only a black undersuit, and she's standing in the living room, with the other Avengers gathered around her eyeing her dubiously. 

"Hey! Can we have Bree back now, Honeybunch?" Tony says. "We need her to fill out the report. You know how Fury gets his panties in a bunch if we're late on the paperwork."

The Hulk grins at him. "HULK LOVE BRA! NO HURT WHEN JUMP! NO HURT WHEN SMASH!"

Tony grins back at her. "Fantastic."

The Hulk picks him up and pulls his head in between her breasts. "THANK YOU." Tony's arms wave frantically.

"Ah," Steve says after a long moment, "can you breathe like that, Tony?"

Tony's right hand comes up in the thumbs' up sign.

The Hulk grins wider.


	2. Return of the Blouse Bunnies

"Pepper called," Tony says as he sails into the breakfast room for an espresso, grinning brightly. "She says to give you her love." He waves his phone, which shows Pepper in all her sleek, strawberry blonde, slim, perfection.

Bree is eating pancakes. Apple pancakes with butter and syrup. Some syrup has dripped onto her flannel pjs, and she hasn't combed her hair yet. Her bra is back in her room, and her breasts are not at all perky. She is keenly aware that Pepper has assessed all of this and while it doesn't matter... it does, a little. "Morning," she mumbles.

Tony leans over to kiss her on the cheek. "I'd rather give you my love."

Bree giggles a little and feels much better when Tony pulls up a stool and sits next to her, helping himself to bites of her pancake. She tells him mildly, "You could get your own. I made extra batter."

"Tastes better when you cook it," Tony replies and continues eating. Bree doesn't really mind. Tony tends not to think about food unless he's really starving, or unless he can make a game of stealing from her. She likes watching him eat. She just likes watching him enjoy himself, no matter what they're doing together. Science, or battling evil, or... you know.

"Do you have an unscheduled meeting?" she asks after taking a mouthful of tea. Pepper is usually too busy to call just for social reasons, and... well, Bree mentally preens a bit, since she and Tony started their relationship, Pepper has backed off a lot. Bree's still not quite sure what Tony sees in her. She's about the opposite of anyone Tony's ever dated according to the Internet. She's not tall, slender, blonde or red-headed, a social lioness, a compliant airhead, or a dominatrix. She's just... Bree, quiet, kinda stocky, with more than a tinge of gray in her short brown hair that tends to frizzle on rainy days, and afflicted by a case of nerves that tends to break out in huge green destruction. She tries not to think about it too often, but just enjoy what she has, while she can.

"Nope!" Tony says cheerfully. "We're planning the marketing of the Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder."

"Oh, God." Bree thinks about Hulk's sports bra and the news coverage, which had been about as embarrassingly puerile as expected, except for the on-line comments that had overwhelmingly been along the lines of 'WHERE CAN I GET ONE?!' "You're not."

"Why not? American women deserve all the support I can give them!" Tony makes a two-handed motion, waving her fork in the air, as if he is juggling.

"At least tell me you're not naming it that." Bree gives up on retrieving her fork, rolls up a pancake and begins nibbling on it.

"I liked 'Starkini'."

Bree hears Pepper say, "NO, Tony."

"How about 'Team Effort'?" Tony resumes pancake consumption. How he manages to talk at the same time without choking is a wonder. But then, Bree admits, he is a genius.

"Why not call it something simple," Bree tries. "Like 'The Stark Sports Bra'?" As least he isn't mentioning Hulk.

Tony makes a face. "Dull. 'Starkwear'... no, sounds like t-shirts..." He beams. "STARKNOCKERS!"

Bree and Pepper simultaneously say, "NO, TONY." 

"You guys are no fun, you know that." Tony finishes the last bite of pancake, and leans over to give Bree a sticky-sweet kiss; drops of syrup are stuck in his goatee. Then he hops off the stool. "Got it, Pep! The Starkuddler! Perfect!" He ends the phone call, and waves at Bree. "I'll be in the lab, being awesome. Thanks for breakfast, Bree!"

" 'Starkuddler'," Bree says aloud. "That's not too bad. Wait. Is that a pun on 'udder'? TONY!"

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt here:  
> [ Always-a-girl!Bruce, Female!Hulk's cha-chas cause a fracas ](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/13316.html?thread=30677764#t30677764)
> 
> _Female!Hulk is no She-Hulk. She gets just as muscle-bound and huge as male!Hulk when she transforms._
> 
> _Which means her shirt and bra are destroyed every time._
> 
> _"Uncensored nipples?!" cry the parental interest groups. "We can't have that! Think of the children!"_
> 
> _"Fuck you!" roar the feminists. "Hulk is a strong independent woman, and she don't need no ~~man~~ shirt!"_  
>     
>  _Protests around the Tower, women painting themselves green and going on shirtless solidarity parades, courts debating whether Hulk should be arrested for indecent exposure and who the hell is gonna do that?_
> 
> _And poor Bree just buries her face in her hands and contemplates suicide._
> 
> _Bonus: Tony finally buckles under the pressure and reluctantly starts designing a stretchy fabric for Hulk. Very reluctantly. Because he likes Hulk's boobies, damnit. They're very nice boobies._  
>  Super Special Awesome Bonus: Hulk LOVES her new sports bra. Seriously, YOU try jumping ten stories up with unrestrained breasts. It's murder on the girls.


End file.
